Thursday, April 5, 2012

What is Good Friday

Today I am posting something I wrote for my journal in in 2010... although I try not to dwell upon Liam's first Good Friday and Easter I still find reading the account of my own mental breakdown both heart breaking and uplifting all at the same time. It is my hope that by sharing this story I help at least one person,

Last year Good Friday was April 10, 2009.
It was also the day my son had open heart surgery.
I remember that morning so vividly, cradling
my sleeping son in my arms. The doctor came
in and asked "you scared?" My husband and gave
a quick "Yes" and the doctor said
"that's a good answer otherwise I would
think I messed up somewhere in our talk yesterday"
The day before surgery we met with the surgeon
and went over the procedure including survival
rates and any problems that could arrise. I
actually remember very little from that conversation,
I was to scared and anxious to think.

But there we where at the hospital early
on the morning of Good Friday with our 3 month old son,
waiting for his surgery to begin.
Right at 8:00 in the monring
the surgical nurse came in and said "okay,
we're ready" then asked if we would like to
pass Liam off there or at the operating
room doors. We opted to walk him to the
O.R. As I passed Liam off I gave him a quick
kiss, he was sleeping and wouldn't know what
had happened when he woke up and I wasn't there.
God give me strength, I hugged on to my husband
as we left to the waiting room. One other family
also was "passing" off their child at the O.R.
but she was a bit older maybe 2 and was screaming
back for her mom. It was heart wrenching but
looking at the bright side at least my Liam
was too small to do this.

Then I thought to myself, I always wondered

how Mary, Mother of Jesus, must of felt on
Good Friday.
Then thought today I just had the tiniest grain of that.
I too handed my son off, to be cut on, and although
I know that the survival rates are high, his heart
would be stopped and he really could die. But I
would not have to watch any of it, I though Wow
Mary actually watched....
Can you actually imagine watching
your son being beaten and drug through the streets
then nailed to a cross, knowing he would die?
I can no longer fathom that idea, but I do know that the
pain must have been incredibly deep.
The days following went by quickly, and even though
my son was doing well, I was not. Mentally I had
gone through so much on so little sleep, I could
no longer keep any line of straight thoughts or
ideas. On the night of Easter, I was hospitalized
in a behavioral center. No longer able to sleep, and
having lost 10 pounds in 4 days from lack of
eatting or drinking I needed serious help.
Thankfully that help came quickly, and much to everyone's surprise Liam was released from the hosptial on Tuesday. My saddest memory is the call I got from
my husband saying Liam was home, not because he got
to go home but because I could not be there with him. And  more so that I didn't get to pick him up from the hospital. That morning I professed I wanted to go home to my doctors, but of course knew that was not possible. I was told on Wednesday afternoon I would be there a while longer.

On Thursday morning prior to seeing my doctor

I prayed, writting this prayer in my
Good Morinng Lord,
   It's a beautiful day Lord and I pray this
morning for forgivness once again and guidance
When speaking to my doctors so that I can be well.
My eyes are on you Lord When they start to stray away
I pray that you can help guild them back towards you.
I'm so thankful you are a loving God, a God I can trust
to do so. Thankyou for allowing me to grow closer to you.
In your unmatchable name I praise you.

After meeting that morning with my Physiologist,

he told me he was releasing me. I remember calling my
husband and telling him, his question "I thought you
said he was keeping you for a while longer?"
my reply "well he just said I can come home, come
and get me please." How's that for the power of prayer?
I later read about what scholars believed Mary did after Jesus' death. Many believe she in her room for
the three 3 days from Jesus' death to his resurection.
I guess I felt some of that too. I am so
thankful my son is alive and well. And I thank God for
sending his son to forgive our sins, where would
we all be with out him?
I have heard people ask why do we call it "Good Friday"
When it was the day Jesus died?
Well now I know, it is the looking back and realizing
that we would still be unforgiven sinners without

A couple things to note:
I know I had preconcieved notions about
who or what might happen in a "mental facility"
here are a couple facts I discovered:
-There where 12 people, 10 women and 2 men
in the unit I was assigned.
-80% of those women where caring mothers
-over half had Bibles with them and where
believers of the Lord.
-Everyone I spoke with had jobs and lead
what most of us would consider "normal" lives,
business owners, executives to companies,
librarians, and even social workers.
We shared stories and were "normal" people,
who experienced extrodianry circumstance.
(had a gun pulled on at work, had post partum
depression, had a child overdose to name a few)
People who many of the therapist would state,
decided to go for help rather than dull the pain
with drugs, alcholol, or other vices. I quote
one therapist "you are more healthy than the
people who never come in and ask for it"
Ending note:
If you think you may need help to overcome
depression or any behavioral disorder ask
for help, there are so many people in the same
situation, you and your family will be glad
you did.